Yearning for sunlight
by MisterSnowBall
Summary: This isn't fault in our stars related. I'm sorry. But I just had to publish my story somewhere. Read if you're interested, because this is dedicated to my best friend. PS: I do love the book, it's brilliant.


_To one of the most beautiful human beings; you have a beautiful mind and heart, don't give up._

This story is dedicated to you, my dear. 

___You've got a warm heart; you've got a beautiful brain. But it's disintegrating – Medicine by Daughter_

I was still young, still dumb. Did not really know anything about love, real friendship and bonding. I had an innocent mind once, really. I was just an innocent girl with a pure mind, until someone messed it up.

I won't go further into details. Let's just say that the innocent 13-year-old girl I once saw in the mirror; disappeared within the darkness that kidnapped her. And I still have not seen her since.

The winter was cold, painful and I did not think that I could endure it any longer. Just because I am breathing, doesn't it mean that I'm alive. To be honest; I was ready. I was ready to hang myself in my own bedroom, where I knew that my mom would find me. Her own daughter, all life drained from her eyes. At that point, I was a real egoist. What is the difference I thought? Life would go on without me. That would be just fine. Of course my mom would be devastated. But hey, after a few months, she would be just fine. She had my brother.

Most girls in our society would be happy with a skinny body, but not me. You see I wasn't beautiful/model skinny. I was the ugly type of skinny. I literally didn't have (still don't have though) any boobs or a feminine body. People would actually ask me if I had anorexia or something like that, but the truth is no; I don't have any form for eating disorder. I forced myself to eat a lot food everyday to be beautiful skinny. I forced myself to become the girl society accept and adore.

My life was like a rollercoaster, but this rollercoaster only moved downwards. I lost my best friend during this year, and I still regret for not saying how sorry I am. On top of that; my mom just got married to another man, which I pretty much didn't like at all. Oh, by the way, did I mention that I got bullied in elementary school? It wasn't that bad, until middle school. There was this kid in my class, that loved to bully me everyday. Oh, it was such a fun time for him. He liked the pain and fear he saw in my eyes. He liked being under control. He LOVED to see me suffer and not be able to do anything about it.

The frustration and anger build inside of me. I did not tell my mom about it, because she is the type of person that would cry and feel devastated. I wouldn't tell my dad, because it would break him apart too.  
So where did I release all this depression shit? Well, let's just say that everything is written on my body.  
I was more than ready to end everything. I still remember that gloomy and cold winter night on the bathroom floor, blood dripping from my arm and tears streaming down my face. Later that day, I would spend my hours on looking out the window, hoping for sunlight that would seep through the grey clouds. I yearned and looked for the sun, but nothing.

But then, one day, a beautiful looking girl in my class started to talk to me. She was/ is one of the most beautiful girls that I know. I remember that I was so jealous of her beautiful wavy brown hair, her set of hazel eyes and her perfect body. But it wasn't her beautiful hair or body that made me like her; it was her bright smile and strong heart.  
This girl could hang with anyone in our class and school, but she chose me. She chose that fragile and small girl with a weak smile.

I know that this sounds really cliché, but she was the sunlight I was yearning for during the cold winter. Every day that went by, we grew closer together. So one day, I decided to tell her about the scars.

It was spring, a hot spring day. I dragged her to a place where we could be alone.  
I still remember her goofy smile and her shining eyes, so happy and alive, totally the opposite of me.  
I was so scared. Scared that I would be judged, even though I knew that she wasn't that type of person that would judge people. Scared that she would freak out and make me break into tears in front of her.  
But I told her. She did not cry, shout at me or freak out. Instead of all those things, she gave me what I needed most; a hug. She told me calming words and how I should depend on her. I swear, I was at the verge of crying, but I hate to cry in front of people.

Today, we are still best friends, even though we are in different high schools. Yes, we still keep in touch, because she is like my sister. I can't live without her. Almost two years has passed since I told her about my painful story, and I have known her for 3 years now. I love her more than my life.

So to my best friend; without your smile and presence, I wouldn't be here. I still struggle with all of the depression shit, but life is just that way. My mind is still a mess, and I as a person have a pretty shitty personality that most people could only handle for about 3 months. I'm so lucky and blessed to have you here.

Thank you for your patience, love and smile. Thank you for all the tears that you and I shed together. Thank you for being you. 

You have your own battle now, but you are not alone. I will stand by your side for each step that you take, each scar that you make and each tear that you cry.

Please don't fear life more than death. I know this is selfish of me to say, but I seriously need you in my life.

I love you.

- Your fucked up best friend 


End file.
